Posted: Thu 24, Jul 2008
In order to love yourself, you have to face those parts of yourself that you actually hate. You have to make room for the love.
Baba Hari Dass told a friend of mine this a few weeks ago when she visited the Mount Madonna Center in Santa Cruz. As we ate fish tacos she shared about what it was like to speak with a silent monk dialoguing with her through a chalkboard. He asked her point blank “Why do you hate yourself?” His words shook something inside of her. She went to a garden, sat down, and had an inner conversation that was very healing.
Inspired, I decided to try it myself. I did a timed writing at Peets Coffee in Piedmont on “I hate myself because.” Four stenopad pages later, I had quite a list! I was pleasantly surprised to notice that even for my persistent complaints about myself, there was not much emotional charge. Reading the list full of ego-based evaluations, judgments, and interpretations based on the ideal of how I should be at all time, I laughed and felt free.
I hate myself because: I emailed Joanna Kel’s private love note to her hunky boyfriend around to my friends and it got sent around the whole school in 11th grade. I hate myself because I masturbate too much. I hate myself because I’m not rich and I have affluent “queen” tastes. I hate myself because I quit grad school, because I don’t have a master’s degree, because I didn’t call my grandmother to wish her a happy birthday in may, because I am depressed sometimes and I should really be happy all the time.
I mean, the ego helps us survive, but who really wants to live a life controlled by ‘shoulds?’
So it turns out that I like this practice. The more I give my ego a chance to speak and be heard, the more it gives me a break, softening its iron grip on my every decision. I am more able to celebrate the things I love about myself, without pushing any part of the mystery of me away.
Meditation: Take a few deep belly breaths. Take out pen and paper. Set the timer for 10 minutes and get going on: “I hate myself because.” Keep your pen moving and don’t cross anything out. See if you can let whatever comes up be there and be curious. Then read your writing outloud to yourself or another. Take some more deep breaths. And remember to be gentle with yourself!
Posted: Mon 23, Jun 2008
Sometimes I think I’m the worst person in the world to talk about self love and self acceptance. My inner analyzer/judge/critic is so strong. But I’m seeing that’s precisely the reason why I’m just the person to speak about self love and acceptance. It’s the thing that’s hardest for me, the thing I most want to learn. And I know that I am not alone.
In the spirit of accepting my wholeness, I want to acknowledge that my thoughts are at best scattered around this subject. So rather than pretend that I have a cohesive essay, or wait weeks until one appears on the page, I’m going to give you what I have now: brief vignettes organized in bullet points. Knowingness that comes from bursts of sunlight, jagged tears at my heart, and running into walls and recovering.
Here’s what I’ve captured so far:
When I remember to tap into it, there’s an audible voice in the shadows of the inner critic that says: “You are amazing. You are absolutely amazing. You are doing so well in life. We are so proud of you, so in awe of your courage, you willingness to be vulnerable, to step into hard places and be uncomfortable. We love how you keep finding places and ways to love BIG.
A friend wrote ‘Big Love’ on a slip of paper as a housewarming wish for me, and I put in on my altar. I want to walk in a world of Big Love, the love my inner critic is ruling out, not seeing because of fear. The voice of self acceptance whispers “Yes your love is boundless, you are an uplifter with a pure desire to give and receive love.”
Once at a yoga teacher training where I was a participant, a woman named Sharon said something that woke me up out of a fog. “Now that I know I’m more than what I do, mistakes are starting to become fun.” She laughed as she spoke. If I am not the things I do, the actions I take, the people I know, then who am I? As I recognize that I am so much more than the sum of my parts, I am free to embrace a wholeness so sweet, it unlocks the door to the prison of judgment. Whether I stay inside that prison or walk free, I meet myself more often with ease because I know that I have the choice to accept myself no matter what I do.
I accept myself because only I can. Only I have the power to experience the fullness of my being from the inside out. Only I can directly encounter the wholeness and beauty of what it means to inhabit this existence called ‘me.’
Self love and self acceptance is about saying yes to all of who I am. Accepting the part of me that’s human and the part of that I am divine. It is seeing the two as One. It is removing the blame, shame, guilt, and doubt that gives evidence for why I am not acceptable, loveable or worthy of what I want.
Deep down we all want to be chosen. We’re programmed through conditioning to believe that means when someone outside of me chooses me then I become acceptable or good. But my direct experience teaches me that continually seeking acceptance from others is never as satisfying as those precious moments when I remember that I can choose myself and that is enough. The teacher Byron Katie says, “Spare yourself from seeking love, approval, or appreciation—from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, just for fun.” The secret is to choose yourself first, to accept yourself first. From there all else follows.
Meditation:
Take a few slow, deep belly breaths. Let these words sink in. Take the next 10-15 minutes to sit, move, or write on behalf of yourselves, all the quirky and interesting and boring parts inside. I offer you the following mantra of affirmation: I choose me. I accept me. I love me. It’s likely that all the voices that disagree with this will come up. See if you can hear them, maybe even welcome them in, knowing that they too are a part of this thing called you.
Copyright 2008. Beandrea Davis. Please check with me before reprinting.
Posted: Thu 05, Jun 2008
This morning I awoke shaken by my dreams during the night. Normally my dreams are extremely nonlinear, the symbols are at best ambiguous, and I can only remember a few details when I awake. But last night my dreams were clear and indelible in my memory. This morning, à la Neale Donald Walsch’s Conversations with God, I dialogued with Spirit about the meaning of these dreams. Below is a transcript of that dialogue.
***
Beandrea: Is this a Saturn Returns dream? It seems to say ‘Yes. I have crossed the bridge from victimhood to empowerment and that this transformation came from trauma?’
Spirit: Secure your doors of your inner world so that no one can hurt you.’
B: How do I do that?
S: Secure the inner door. Get right with your heart and no one can ever harm you. If you know your heart’s intention, if you know the love that spurs you on, then keep going. The fire in you is stoked by your boundless heart. To secure the door is to know with a precious clarity the place from which you are acting. Know it consciously and choose it. And once you’ve set your intention no one can stop you. The only thing that can stop you then is the illusion that rises up within you. Treasure the love bursting through you. Treasure the center of Love that you are. Experience it, hold it, feel it, be it, know that you are it.
B: Okay so let me make sure I am clear: If I know my intention and hold entirely to that knowing, then I am unstoppable unless I let illusions/external forces keep me down?
S: Illusions are bound to trip you up. That’s the only thing that keeps humans in their bodies. I mean if people really knew who they were, how they were made, none of you would stay here as long as you do, nor would you so endlessly fear leaving your bodies. So let go of always being able to remember your intention. Just know it at the outset and keep returning to it again and again. Return to it on the easy days. Return to it on the trial-by-fire days. And keep cleaning out the closets where stuff wants to get piled on top of that first thought, that original intention. To keep clearing is essential. Now is the time to use your practices, to give them a cherished place in your life. There has never been a more crucial time to remember you inner knowing, to walk with it in the palm of your hand.
B: I’m grateful for the clarity of the dreams and this teaching. I feel that cold drink of water in the desert I’ve been asking for, so thank you.
S: Your gratitude is proof that you’ve heard me and that is why I have come.
[I put down the pen to do my formal seated meditation practice, focusing on the mantra ‘Secure your doors.’ Then the voice appears again.]
S: Oh wait one more thing, don’t forget to direct the love at yourself. I mean you are love, but remember, it is not just about expressing the love to people ‘out there’. It is equally about directing the love everywhere, which of course includes you. Experience the love within your own being.
B: I’m glad to know that even spirits forget things :o)
S: Yeah we don’t have bodies. That’s really the only difference between y’all and us.
Meditation:
Take a few deep belly breaths in and out. Notice what you received from reading this. What sticks in your mind? Don’t think too much about it, just notice what’s there. Take a few minutes to jot down anything that seems significant to you.
Posted: Mon 12, May 2008
I deserve a knockout partner.
Wide awake on a Friday night, I wrote this affirmation after a couple of hours of reading a Tarot book in bed. I discovered this is my Emperor year.
What had gotten me through the latest dispatch of disappointment about dating was having a conscious realization of an unconscious belief: I don’t deserve to date someone great.
Last summer I asked people I trust to give me written feedback about the strengths and weaknesses they see in me. When a friend wrote “You don’t think you are good enough” I instantly felt resistant and angry. ‘Oh she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. I’m the queen of self care.’ I dismissed her words as error.
A year later, in that scintillating period between post-first date excitement and the antsy anticipation of a second, I was finally able to connect with the clear mirror my friend’s words had provided.
“You seem cool, but…” I stopped listening to the words of this person I kept telling myself I was so interested in dating, and listened to the churning repulsion in my belly instead. I actually felt how grossed out I was at attracting emotionally unavailable people.
Then, a moment later, something shifted. I heard myself say “Let me go home and freshen up my personal ad online.” I heard the voice that always says ‘it’s hopeless’ and I re-posted my ad anyway. I also completed my profile on an online dating site recommended by the same wise friend mentioned earlier. Without pushing away the disappointment and sadness about how slow change seems to happen, I decided to give thanks that I was seeing things more clearly than ever before.
Over the weekend I went on a date that literally left me breathless. We drank tea, had rich, juicy conversation, laughed, walked in nature, window-shopped. When we said goodbye after spending the day together, we both agreed: this was the best date we’d ever been on. I felt like Rumi when he prayed for ‘a companion with the same level of attainment,’ and then god sent Kabir. When I laid in my bed that night my cells were literally buzzing with energy. I noticed I didn’t feel the usual impatience or urgency. Instead I felt trust. I felt joy. I was present to the sweetness of connection, of being met and received by someone with whom I shared a reality.
No matter what becomes of this new connection, there is such satisfaction in consciously knowing I deserve to have this sweetness, this joy, and that I allowed myself to receive it. And what is even more exciting is I’m actually enjoying the process of dating, rather than focusing entirely on the end result of attracting a partner.
The word ‘deserve’ comes from the Latin deservire, which means ‘to serve zealously.’ I am learning that allowing myself to claim and have what I want is actually in service to Life. Following my joy with zeal is useful.
If you made it here to Earth and you are still breathing, you are enough for this life you are living. End of story. Being de-serving, feeling that you are enough means being someone who is completely of service to Life. You are supposed to claim and have what you want. Whether or not you remember, that is your birthright. So today salute the flag of your joy and let it wave in the wind for all to see.
Meditation: Breathing in and out of the nose, take a few slow breaths that reach down into the belly. Notice what stays with you from taking in these words. Write in a journal, do some movement, or sit/lie down in quiet contemplation of the following: Do you know what you want? Can you conceive of having it? Why? Why not? At the end of your meditation, write an affirmation proclaims the existence of what you want as if it is already so and post it somewhere you will routinely see it.
Copyright 2008. Beandrea Davis. Reprinting without permission prohibited.
Posted: Fri 07, Mar 2008
I’m sitting in the children’s section at Borders. I’m annoyed that the T-mobile account connection I just paid $9.99 for has just dropped.
A blond boy with huge blue eyes speaks to his father about a book called “But Not the Hippopotamus” in a language I’m guessing is Greek.
When I look at the little girl in the red button up jacket in front of me sitting on a milky way carpet, her perfection, her wholeness is so obvious, so palpable.
Yet the wholeness of my older sister has been a lot less obvious to see today. For much of the day she’s been in a series of moods. I didn’t find any of them enjoyable. By the early afternoon I felt like I’d been hit by a truck.
I know I cannot be the holder for everyone needs. But she’s my sister, the one who has known me the longest. The one who held me when I was a baby. There are pictures to prove it sitting on my dresser.
I so much want to believe and know that we are all okay, all perfect as we are, that our best is indeed enough. But this evening it feels like we are all so broken. That there is not one among us who is not lost in the flood of illusions we call our reality.
I want to tell the children. Don’t grow up. It just gets worse.
The little girl with the red jacket comes to stare at my computer and at me typing. Her mom squeezes her hand tight and she bobs and weaves like a slinky trying walk on her own, trying to create her own world.
So on this evening, I’m touching the feeling of hopelessness within. I’m longing for harmony and inspiration and reassurance that all is not broken, that children are not the only sane humans left, and it’s possible to be at peace in the midst of so many good reasons for despair.
Then I remember, there is that within me which is untouched by hurt. I remember even my feeling of hopelessness is a choice. I could choose to focus on all the reasons for despair or all the reasons for hope. One is not better than the other, but today has proven each road leads me to different emotional landscapes.
So in this moment, I’m choosing the little girl in the red jacket as at least one reason for hope. The father reading to his son sitting in his lap as he sips coffee. Every moment something new is happening. I pray I will keep noticing it all. I pray I will keep noticing it all.
Meditation: Take a series of deep belly breaths. Check in with your mood right now. Notice how you feel in your body. What is foremost in your attention right now? Then, make a decision about where you’d like to focus on your attention next, and see if you can gradually reach towards thoughts that create an inner sense of relief. Perhaps hold an image of child in your mind and focus on connecting with that sense of innocence that lives within all of us. Mostly, just be still.